In a bad need of a sound sleep..

Now feeling frustrated as I want to sleep and can not find sleep at my will. This is something problematic happening to me. Don't know what can I do but yeah have to do something, may be have to avoid sleeping during day time. But then, I think I know the reason. Have tried sleeping but can't keep my eyes closed for more than 5 minutes. Have tried surfing, reading, playing computer games, everything and blogging is my last resort. Ahh what the hell is happening to me? What I am thinking?

Compromises and Expectations.. Journey to self 1

Well we keep saying to ourselves and to others that one should not expect anything from others and thou shalt not make any compromise in life but then the fact of the matter is that after all that talking to our innerselves we still do it the wrong way. We build expectations and then we compromise also.

After a hard day at work, when your body aches for the sack and the only thing in your life which can put a smile on your face is perhaps an idea of a sound sleep. You wish your mind can go blank and you feel nothing. I remember I use to sleep like that even without a hard day. This is something new to me that I have to find reasons to sleep and just a small thing, a small thought can leave me with sleepless nights. Well, I don't know what I am thinking now but somewhere I feel that I am making a conscious mistake. There is something which I need to rethink and think again but then consciously I am procrastinating it.

When you have someone in your life to which you can relate everything, life seems to be pretty easy and problem free but then the fact is that in a way you increase your problems. In a bid to become solution for others you compound your own problems. In the process to provide others emotional security, you become more insecure in yourself. I don't know but lately I have started feeling insecure for all that is happening around me. Though it appears that I have everything I always wanted - a promising career, promises of future, a friend who really cares and it feels great to feel like that but then next moment I feel that I have become wreckless. I know that whatever the promises my future holds for me is not certain and what I have today is again intangible. You cannot quantify feelings right?

I seriously think that I need to plan certain things in my life, I still need to hit the track (and not only the sack) @ full throttle. The life which seems so rosy now may not have unveiled its full face to me and that leaves me to do a lot of preparation. Some questions are needed to be answered, some answers needed to be weighed on the scale of reality. I guess an introspection session is long overdue and when I am not sleeping for the next two hours that is the best thing I can do. Have to look for the answers within and then for some unanswered questions, I have to look beyond me. Let's see how far I can go with this stuff.

What Tendulkar Said?

After watching the CNN IBN video with Waqar and Srikanth, I am also wondering about the Indian media. Superb I should say, they quote too many people all the senior players and I am wondering that how many senior players were interviewed or for the same matter does India have that many senior players in ranks? I guess they were only 15 when they went to WI? Anyways, the half and hour debate was about discussing each and every line that Sachin said like "I have given my heart and soul for 17 years" well don't seem like because he played cricket for less than that and in the beginning he was just wreckless and was not giving his life and soul, slowly he matured as a player and understood the importance of being a team player. Anyways I don't understand even if it has been like 25 years or even 3 years how does it matter? I remember that one of the most committed player on the ground was Robin Singh and Ajay Jadeja. The former was given the assignment to coach Indian young side and for the later everyone knows what happened.

Nobody believed that Jadeja also gave his heart and soul to cricket, and we all trusted that he sold his heart and soul to match fixers. But yeah everybody believed that Kapil must have given his heart and soul as he was sobbing on television. The problem is we are hero worshippers. We keep the right to abuse and accuse our heroes to ourselves only. If somebody else does that, we will not forgive him. I guess that a lot many Hindus in India are not averse to the idea of eating beef but then we will make a fuss of a slaughterhouse in Bangladesh or Pakistan. We can have jokes about our gods but if an outsider does that, we become merciless. Anyways, I dont know why Tendulkar has to emotionally blackmail Indian audience, the fact is that you might have given everything to Indian cricket but you still didn't do enough. Anyways the debate is still open let's see where it goes from here.

I dont know whether it matters that what Chappel is saying or what Tendulkar is saying. One failed as a coach and one failed as a player. They both failed together, the board has to decide that whether both can be sacked twice or if anyone has to go, who they can do away with? The answer is simple isn't it? Then why the 30 minutes odd show and news headlines? Well the world is one big market, and you just have to sell the right stuff. Got the twist?

Rational? Emotional? Mood Swings? Growing up?

"Life is difficult" My favorite book The Road Less Traveled starts with this sentence but putting it in my words, life is simply hard to understand. And the hardest is the fact that inspite of knowing all this we just keep making attempts to solve the puzzle. The more we try the confusing it becomes. We make plans and they fail, and we think that planning is worse. We don't make plans and still fail and start thinking that why the hell we didn't plan things? So what is the option? simply fail without planning or better plan and fail?

Nobody can tell with certainty that what is better. Similarly we make choices and feel bad if they go wrong, we still feel bad when we have no choice and just one option. Everything goes in a vicious circle and things keep coming back to you. Your past revolves around you and at times and again keep reminding you about the person you are, your merits, demerits, strengths and weaknesses but still we chose to ignore them. We know what is right what is wrong but still make mistakes sometimes knowingly, sometimes unknowingly. But then isn't it human to make mistakes? Isn't this human to have mood swings or having a blank mind when you don't actually know what you are thinking about.

I often wonder that what is this which makes all of us insecure, fragile and vulnerable. Is it just emotion? Or something bigger, broader beyond the comprehension of our human minds? Don't know for certain but it looks like to me that there are many wires coiled together each signifying a different emotions a different response. If they come too close they get short circuited and then we feel that blankness inside us. What is important, what is less important what is more important, we often confuse things.

Well, we are not that innocent race and my feeling is that we know all the answers, while chosing something for us we know that where it would go but still we just keep thinking that things will become fine. Inspite of the knowledge of obvious we keep praying that something good will happen, as if like some fairy someday will swing her magic wand over our heads and set the things right. The problem is not with the results the problem lies in our thinking process. We all know that rational is good emotional is not so good but then we make all the emotional decisions look like rational ones by justifying ourselves in one way or another. I don't know, I don't think so, I am not sure, Whatever.. these words are simple clues that we know but still don't want to think or be sure about. We just want to go along with the tide and see where it chose to slow down.

Anyways does that mean we shouldn't be emotional or something? Ofcourse not, confusion is what makes you look like human. Your mood swings proves that you are exposed to different emotions and can respond differently. So you see this is perfectly human to have mood swings, this is a part of the growing up. The more you are exposed to your environment the more mature you will become. Growing up not only means growing up physically, it is growing up emotionally also.

Being in a position where you can have the luxury of choices is really lucky and even if you mess up with it just be ready to face the consequences. We all have made unprofessional decisions in the past and not all of them have went wrong, we all have made rational and well thought out decisions in the past and not all of them have went right. So what essentially makes us all perfect is our ability to think and analyze. Anyways, I don't know why I am writing all this but still it feels human to bring out emotions. Hahaha

What is Indian cricket league?

Will be more like the county cricket format except that the money on stake will be more and the audience will be hero worshippers. Zee's Subhash Chandra sees it as an opportunity to fill the gap created by the lacklusture performance of Indian cricket team by creating a talent pool of players who can be chosen to represent the country. But then the question is that what is more important for Subhash, producing more cricket players or selling more cricket or selling the same brand of cricket more?

One of the rules allows the team to have 4 foreign players which they all will have but then Indians are what Indians are, you can't expect Sehwag and Sachin to score centuries against even players like Mohd Asif or Mohd. Rafique. Or may be if they does that will be either be due to the typical Indian pitches. Well, still the idea has some meat in it as if to spend the corporate advertisement dollar wisely on something which will atleast be fiercely competed. The challenege is to attract players like Murali, Kallis, Flemming, Gilchrist etc. Indians are no good.

Anyways, its clear that the old man is trying to do some good to corporate India and hoping that the process will have some positive spillover effect on Indian cricket. The way to a successful Indian team is tough conditioning regime and an able leadership at the top. The only way Indians could win matches is by actually trying. They lack the desire and passion to play cricket. If Chandra has to put his money to best use and if he wants something good for Indian cricket perhaps he has to focus on the playing conditions like pitches and ground conditions as well. Anyways let's hope that those who won't play good won't get any ad contracts will have some effect on Indian cricket..

Important things and very important things..

We all talk about prioritizing things in order to get the decisions right but then the most difficult task is to get your priorties right. Money or relationship? Relationship or better relationship? Money or more money? Peace of mind or sleep disorder? Overconcentration or diversify? These are some of the difficult questions that we need to answer in order to get our priorities right. Sometimes the answer seems to be pretty simple but sometimes a daunting task as life is not a random function rather a dependent variable on many many independent, unpredictable variables. Leaving aside mathematics of life, you have to make choices or trade offs at times and these choices are not always dependent. You run the risk of overconcentrating on one thing while loosing on the other things, you find happiness in one thing quitting other and later realizing that the choice you made was wrong or you simply predicted a wrong variable which doesn't went well.

I haven't started with my career yet and these things have started haunting me. Though I appear to be cool, calm and composed from exterior but beneath that rough exterior lies a confused soul as human as anybody. A person who is vulnerable to emotions and his weakness is reading people's mind. Well, I don't know whether the decisions that I have made in the past were right or not and I am not also sure about my future decisions but have decided to use a simple matrix.. There are just two kind of things existing in life. Some are important and some are very very important. Don't know about the important ones but I am sure about the very very important one. Hope, like always I will be able to defend my decision and can live with the consequences.

We are always right.. and can do anything for votes.

Perhaps the most controversial minister of Manmohan Singh's government, Arjun singh may be fighting his last battle with life as well as with judiciary (for his political life). Manmohan Singh started something which made India proud and he is largely accountable for the present economic position of India but then I guess that the weight of the PM's post and the gravity combined together has pulled his backbone down and he is now a man without a backbone. Govt. is run through proxies and an example was the reservation row where the educated prime minister acted like an illiterate and gave his nod to a proposal based on data of 1931. Well, no rational man can digest this fact that India has 60% literacy rate because if you collect a sample in parliament you see that almost every party is supporting the reservation that pegs back the literacy rate at about 1-2%.

Now, when some educated men are sitting in judiciary who do not have to worry about their votebanks and who sees the long term aspects of the mistake, these fools are planning to overrule the judiciary now. I again am not sure what is happening to Indian politics but then as rightly said by the court "Nowhere in the world people fight with each other to prove that who is more backward". These politicians have also united to prove that nobody can be bakward then them and they deserve a quota in parliamentary elections. Okay so how far the 9% growth rate target will go? Let's see..

The feeling after failing.. and the Indian Team..

What does normal people like you, me and other 500 million people do when they fail in something? Leaving aside some 5-10 people with sucidal instincts, most of us feel miserable for some time and then move on with the life. Doing the same things in a better manner, in a more professional manner. We assume that every failure has some learning value. But seeing Rahul Dravid going out for a sunbath with his son and wife makes me feel sick in the stomach. He is a cold blooded guy and that was one of the major reasons for the debacle. He has always been my favorite player even when he refuse to take strike when tailenders are batting, even when he refuse to put the pressure on the opposition after cornering them, even when he takes ages to score a single but the way he goes out for a tour just after the debacle leaves me shattered that how cold these guyz could be. Pride of a nation doesn't mean anything to them. All that matters to them is their own peace of mind and not the country.

Perhaps what South African coach said for the Irish team is one of the vital ingredient missing for the Indian team " players do not play for each other" When Zaheer pitch one down the leg side, he knows that he will undo the pressure put by Agarkar but still he does that invariably, when Agarkar throws a bouncer he knows that he will let the opposition cut loose and will be undoing everything done by fellow players but still he does that. When Sachin gets out on duck, he knows that team India will be nailed to one corner but he can't help it, when Sehwag shows off with flashy drives he also knows that what does it mean for an Indian team. Dhoni is more interested in growing his hairs instead of his run tally but still he will keep doing that. I dont know whats wrong with Indian team but one thing is certain that they don't play like a team. They don't know well the person who is standing next to them.

Wake up guyz or you will loose everything, what will you do with your money when people will hurl stones at your restaurants and break your boundary walls?

Team India - Where is the problem?

"I think what makes them a tough side," he said, "is that the play for each other. They have an incredible team ethic, and that again is credit to AB (Adrian Birrell)".

Well, if you can guess that whose words are these and for which team then I guess that you are a hard core cricket fan who is not yet over from the heart shattering world cup debacle.

This comment is not for Australia or any other regular teams, this is for the team which showed the doors to another complacent team Pakistan. These words are for Irish team which has been drawn from part timers and only a couple of them had represented first class county sides but rightly said that they play for each other and they play for the passion called cricket. They play for the pride of their country. I don't know what Indians play for? Chappel may say things like seniors did the damage and blah blah blah but as a coach he has failed and he just can't shy away from it. And as a matter of pride, you should put your papers in. But then we are witnessing one shameless Australian who can go to any extent to prove that he is right. Well, let's see how far he can get with it. At-least he is lucky that India is different from Pakistan.

A week which was never there..

The last whole week passed into a jiffy. And now on a monday afternoon when I am sitting here in my room, I am trying to recall some incidents from that week and finding it a daunting task. (No hangovers). Well, I only remember that monday started with an examination and then the whole week seems like a blur. Trying to recall things but then failing miserably and my memory can go as far as friday afternoon only when the examinations ended. Some vague memories are there but still don't want to recall. I am feeling like the last week was a week which was never there..